WASHINGTON—Calling the influencer-backed beverage a serious public health concern, a visibly erect Sen. Chuck Schumer called on the FDA Monday to investigate the 72-hour erection he had experienced as a result of drinking Logan Paul’s Prime
energy drink. “Buyers and parents need to understand the risks involved with having a three-day stiffy that’s as hard as a mallet,” said the Senate Minority Leader, who winced as he pulled at his pants from behind the podium, confirming that his erection remained unchanged despite repeated efforts to take a cold shower, masturbate, and make love to his wife,
Iris. “After drinking just one can of this stuff last week, I still feel the effects of arousal, to the point that I cannot physically urinate without leaning over the toilet. It’s just throbbing down there, and I’m worried it’s here for good. Durbin took a sip, too, and look at him—he can’t even sit down. This beverage, marketed simply as a ‘hydration supplement’ has no business being on U.S. shelves. I am begging the FDA: Please, for the love of God, investigate my penis.
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