I’m a 42-year-old single woman – that doesn’t make me a cougar

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I intend to have sex for as long as I have the energy

, I matched with a guy who was four years younger than me. For context, I was 40 at the time. After a rather tedious to and fro covering what we did for work and whether or not I’m a member of Soho House , I was seriously questioning my decision to do this to myself again. And then he hit me with it: “So you’re a cougar, are you?”

Now, if we are being literal, I did fit that description when I reacted so violently to the Tinder Twerp. Obviously, I am planning on living to 100, but I will concede that the average life expectancy in the UK is 81 years old and 40 is midway through that. I am middle-aged and I actually really like being the age I am. I have no problem with being described as “middle aged” at all.

As soon as you hit 40, if you want to have sex with a man younger than you are, you now have a new sexual identity imposed upon you. You are no longer a woman simply hoping to kick her heels up with a man who might be able to go more than once in the same night. No, you are now a carnivorous cat that kills its prey by crushing their windpipe. Hurrah.

No, the cougar stands alone because, as a society, we still aren’t comfortable with women enjoying sex into middle age and beyond, and we are especially uncomfortable with an older woman having sex with a younger man. So much so, that we must give it a name to make sure we have singled these woman out as being different from the others. It’s a like a linguistic scarlet letter.

In fact, I remember Keanu Reeves being called a “hero” because he started dating someone his own age, when the woman in question, Alexandra Grant, is actually eight years younger than he is. Just for context, a six-year age difference between. To be fair, Milf has launched a host of gender inclusive spinoffs, including Dilf and Gilf , but neither of those have their own category on porn websites like Milf does.

 

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