PORTLAND, ME—Saying he felt completely drained after a long and stressful day at work, local widower Harold Stein reported Thursday that he just doesn’t have the energy to waltz with his dead wife’s dress tonight.
“Any other night, the first thing I’d do after I finish eating dinner and cleaning up the dishes is light a few candles, take Helen’s favorite gown from the hanger in the old cherry armoire, and slowly dance with it around the living room for a while, but I’m honestly pretty wiped out,” said Stein, adding that he was currently too tired to even consider holding out one sleeve of the dress while slowly twirling around to a staticky vinyl record of the couple’s wedding song, and would probably...
Was her name Mary Jane?
Why do you keep calling me Bill?
Dig deep dude. She's down there somewhere.
No no
thats morbid lol
This is sick.
Funny! Dark humor. Some people just don’t get it.
wtf lol
Easier to wear it.
Most likely a thyroid issue. Your wife always reminded you to lay off the cabbage & Brussels sprouts. Now look at you.
I’m sooo immature, sniggering at ‘pearl necklace’. Such an idiot. I’ll get me coat.
Peter, the horse is here.
Ick. Pull this down please.
Leland Palmer dancing with Laura's prom photo...
Generally a fan, but this is not funny.
That's just disgusting. There is nothing funny about that.
Damn, cold blooded
Sometimes, Onion, I just fucking hate you for making me sad.
that’s grim
Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the pay-ee-aine...
My favorite Marc Cohn song.
Very, very dark & macabrely hysterical! 😂😂😂
Gacho, pero certero, ngl.
I’m dying 😂
Brutal - but for some reason, I can’t look away.
HOLY FUCK THATS DARK.
That’s okay. He can still sleep in her dress.
Brutal
Is everything ok at Onion HQ?
JFC, onion
I remember when The Onion used to be funny.
Digging graves is hard work.
This is kinda mean, but I like it!
My god
😪
he should just let her ballet to rest
He can still cuddle with her sweaters.
😨
So it's just sex with the corpse again
Jesus Christ! That's a dark one
Related: 💔
Jesus Christ
maybe tomorrow night dear
That’s laziness. Pure and simple.
Bleak lolol
Sorry, but this one is not funny.
poor guy
Geez, guys. That's dark.
Huge if true
Jesus h this is darkness of the eternal void. Glad Harold is beginning to move on in his own way.
Daaaaaamn
He should have had a Red Bull or 12. His fault.
Dark and spicy...like dark chocolate w tabasco
Dead.
hahah come on guys 100% sad and 100% funny
11 million followers and less than 30 comments. Twitter definitely is all bots.
Hey, he only did that a couple of times!
yuuup!
Wash that dress, man.
OK, so I used my real name on Twitter. It also happens to be my real porn name. It's legal and stuff.
What is a waltz? I get it.
The magic is fading
Dark.
Well that's sad
Gross! 3/4 time is disgusting. 🤢
Y'all have really, really lost your way. Maybe bring in some funny people to help?
At first I thought that was EugeneMirman
Boo, hiss
how much is a bot like going for these days?
Usually, I think you're funny, but not this time. Shame.
he should get a new wife to actually dance with instead of this pathetic shit anyway
Came for laughs. Got sad instead.
You guys don’t get it. He’s not sad, it’s his way of celebrating his freedom and her departure. Trust me, I was married once.
Fuck
Some nights are just like that
kinda fucked tbh
So it's brown liquor and staring into the endless dark abyss visible from the recliner again.
Dark😉
Too soon
Sir!
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