CHICAGO—Confirming that the joy and sheer, reckless rapture they experienced would always be just out of reach, a new report published Monday revealed that you would never find a love like that shared by two teens riding the same electric scooter.
“After studying countless samples, it has become abundantly clear that you will never have a relationship as intimate or thrilling as that of two 14-year-olds speeding down the road on a battery-powered scooter,” said research psychologist Steven Gwinn, adding that per his data, there was simply no connection on earth deeper than that between a pair of teenagers wordlessly clutching each other on a two-wheeled Lime, Spin, or Lyft, laughing and screaming as they narrowly dodged pedestrians,...
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