Report: Average American Must Have Life Ruined By Natural Disaster Every 6 Minutes To Fear Climate Change

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EUGENE, OR—Outlining what a shift in public consciousness regarding global ecocatastrophe might require, a study published by researchers at the University of Oregon Monday found the average American must have their life destroyed by a natural disaster every six minutes in order to finally fear climate change. “According to our data, American citizens must lose their home to a flash flood, almost immediately watch a tornado ravage their hometown, and then succumb to heatstroke in 110 degree temperatures before recognizing climate change as a viable threat,” said head researcher and professor Vanessa Verrier, citing the tendency of U.S. citizens to forget about global warming roughly 10 minutes after their homes were devastated by wildfires. “Roughly seven minutes following a climate disaster, ambivalence sets in and Americans forget why these natural disasters have increased so dramatically in recent years. The good news, however, is that in the five minutes directly after losing a loved one in a hurricane, participants were much more likely to consider reducing their carbon footprint by taking public transit rather than driving.” The report estimated that the nation would have to suffer 34,000 consecutive natural disasters this month in order to garner significant support for climate change legislation.

 

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Haha okay now this is epic, especially with hurricane Ian!! theonion does it again 😎😎

Irishroots115 This is the Onion’s first 100% straight-up reporting piece, unfortunately.

Climate change causes natural disasters,humans cause climate change. Eliminate humans and we’re good. . .wait a minute.

We aren't the brightest bulbs in the box.

The responses to this are priceless. Thank you to all the twitter scientists in the comment section.

That's probably not enough😳

Area bigots ahead of the curve, afraid of immigrants regardless of climate.

The most catastrophic hurricane in US history occured in 1900. Thank God for climate change....

Climate change isn’t real, we literally have deserts that have been in the same spot for millions of years, stupid

Not funny -in fact it’s stupid. 👇This is funny: 50 years of believing the climate scammers

The hurricanes that happen every year was because of a change in the weather? I love leftist logic

Related: Floridians Blame Vast Democrat Deep State Conspiracy For Constant Hurricane Destruction

seriously though

I wouldn’t even doubt it...

For Australians it's 3 minutes!

'Natural Disaster'

As long as I can use my phone to post a comment on the Onion while sh*tting in a Walmart bathroom, do I even need the climate?

Wow we are slow

Why do people move next to the ocean and then COMPLAIN about hurricanes?

Too soon guys. Way too soon.

They'd still say it's fake/the fault of black,brown,yellow people/some god's will/ the fault of the Democrats, liberals, et. al., so... yeah, nice try, tho'. 😜

I thought The Onion only did fictional news...

every 6 minutes i was married was a natural disaster

Guess what? The climate will change forever. Even when humans are long gone

The end goal being perpetual fear, of course...just like Democrats like it.

honey, the bathroom is three blocks down again

I'm sorry you had that experience.

Used to be funny. Don’t go woke.

Oy...

I dropped my ice cream, let's blame climate change!

In Florida it's every 4 minutes and the impression only lasts a day or two.

Does 8 times count?

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